When I first saw what this month’s theme was, I immediately wondered if I could do six pictures of myself. If you looked up the word imperfection in the dictionary, there would be a picture of me right there. Now don’t interpret this the wrong way, as if I’m saying some sort of self loathing statement. No, instead it’s more of a self realization type of statement.
You see, I’m an OCD, SPD, introverted, perfectionistic people pleaser. I always have been and probably always will be. Now, I was never diagnosed with OCD or SPD, but if I were growing up today, I most definitely would have been diagnosed with those disorders. I know I have them. I always knew I was different. I knew that I struggled with certain things. I needed rules, structure, order, schedules, etc. If something upset the order, or if people didn’t follow the rules, I felt unsettled. Clothing had to feel just right or I couldn’t wear it. Certain noises drove me absolutely insane.
Being a perfectionistic rule follower, I was often called a goody two shoes. I even had people tell me I was perfect. What’s funny is that they couldn’t see how terribly imperfect I actually was. They couldn’t see how much internal turmoil I was, and still am, going through.
You see, when you have OCD, SPD and are perfectionistic, you need to feel in control of your world. Try being in control of your world once you get married. Try being in control of your world once you have kids. Try having everything perfect when you are trying to be a wife and mother. It just doesn’t happen. I mean, my goodness, try being in control just in general. You can’t control other people. You are ALWAYS at the mercy of other people and just circumstances in general. The only thing you can honestly control is yourself…your attitude, how you respond to the circumstances around you. For so long, I have tried to control everything. Some things I have been decently successful with, others I have most definitely not.
The older you get and the longer you deal with the OCD, SPD and perfectionism, the more you realize how imperfect you really are. I mean, I never thought I was perfect, but I definitely tried to do everything right. I tried to follow the rules to a T. I tried to do everything to the absolute best of my ability. I tried to please everyone. You can only achieve those expectations of yourself for so long. At some point it all comes crumbling down, and it’s absolutely devastating. You see, while all along you knew you weren’t perfect and you honestly didn’t necessarily need to be absolutely perfect, the comments other people made just fed the OCD. People telling me I did something perfectly, only reinforced my internal struggle with feeling I needed to do things perfectly. The inner voice in my head said, “If you don’t do this perfectly, you’re a failure.”
You know what those expectations lead to though? They lead to complete paralyzation and utter insanity. I remember watching the first episode of Hoarders. I don’t quite remember why, but I decided to watch it. The narrator started out with saying that people would be shocked to know that the majority of hoarders are actually perfectionists. You see, at some point, they become paralyzed because if they can’t complete the tasks to their standard (which is perfect[ly]), they don’t even do them. Yikes!! That scared me, but I totally understood what they were saying. I could totally see myself getting to that point. It honestly made complete sense. I have so many unfinished projects because I get scared that I won’t be able to complete them to the standard of quality that I would like, so I just shut down.
So, now that I’ve pretty much written a novel, I’ll try to sum this up. Each month I agonize over what pictures I want to do for the theme. I agonize because I want to do them to the standard that I think I should do them, but I’m afraid I will fall short. So I put them off while I brainstorm. Then it gets to the point where I have just days or hours to complete my pictures and post and I’m completely overwhelmed. Well, wouldn’t you know, that’s what I did this month. I have no clue what to do for my pictures. I could take pictures of my imperfect self, but I’m not sure what variety I can show in 6 pictures. Maybe I should stretch myself and tap into the inner artist that should lie somewhere inside myself and figure out some creative way to photograph what I have just written a novel about, but alas, as I said, I procrastinated and my creative juices are quite low right now.
So I will leave you with some pictures I have taken in the past…pictures where things didn’t turn out quite like I planned, but they are imperfectly perfect. After all, our imperfections are what make us unique. Often times, when things don’t go perfectly like we planned, those imperfections are what make the memory that much more unique.
So I will continue to fight my perfectionistic tendencies and embrace the imperfection. I will definitely fail at times, but that’s ok.
This first image is of our imperfect house. While I crave order and perfection, my entryway has been laden with shoes, boots, skates, sticks, rocks, a skateboard and many other things for years now (also notice the dirt and scuff marks on the bottom of the screen door). It drives me nuts, but I try to remind myself that one day it will be perfectly clean and I’ll wish it wasn’t. Because that means my precious kids no longer live in this four walls.
My next image is of my son and me. We had taken a bike ride to the gas station to get a Reese’s to split. We wanted a picture to remember that moment. My phone case was scratched and dusty, so the image is hazy, but it’s imperfectly perfect. (Here’s another prime example of using the camera you have on you. Better to capture the moment than to be too worried about the quality of the image.)
My third image is of my kids lying under the Christmas tree. My son’s face is completely out of focus, but I still love this image and how it captured their precious little faces.
This fourth image is of my son. Let me tell you, underwater photography isn’t easy. I was trying to get a cute shot of him and he reached up to wave at me at that very moment. Once again though, it’s imperfectly perfect. I love his little pursed lips and puffed cheeks!
These last two are from a little Christmas session I did with the kids. I was trying to get some nice pictures of the two of them, both to frame and to give to the grandparents. The kids were being ridiculously silly. At first I was frustrated, but then I decided to roll with it. Quite frankly, these images captured my kids’ personalities better than any perfectly posed picture every would have.
So, to sum things up…don’t be like me. Don’t let your obsession with perfection, or your fear of failure paralyze you. Don’t let it keep you from enjoying the best things in life, which are the imperfect things.
Thanks so much for stopping by!! Head on over to Elizabeth’s blog, by clicking HERE, to see her take on this month’s theme. Be sure to make your entire way around the blog circle as you won’t want to miss all of our contributors’ images. Also, be sure to share your images to our social media pages!!
